


Why I Love You

by BatteryAcid



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-24
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-26 18:54:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/653372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatteryAcid/pseuds/BatteryAcid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank and Gerard always tell each other everything, right? But when Gerard's secret comes out, we learn that even their love can't last forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Story of my life

**Author's Note:**

> I try to avoid writing High School based fan fiction because it's so common but I think I have taken a slightly different approach. Please read and enjoy.

### Gerard's POV

I thought of how they kicked me. I thought of their lips forming blobs of spit which hit me as I stalked the corridors, head down, ashamed at being myself. I thought of how their legs suddenly made me trip and how my school bag goes flying. I thought of today when some blond slut, grabbed my art book from my open bag and how she crumbled up the pages. My saviour. The thing I use to get through my life was gone as she ripped the pages out from the binder.

Involuntary tears fell from my eyes at the memory, as they had then. The taunts and the mocking that I knew would follow didn't even register until much later. My pictures and doodling, my lyrics and chords, my sketches of Frank as he posed happily for me in the sun, his middle finger up merrily as I drew him again and again, trying to capture the love in his face as he looked at me and I looked at him. But sometimes that wasn't enough. Today it wasn't enough. I went for the girl, my fist flying fast at my jaw; it could have possibly broken it with the force that came from my arm as it swung around to meet her.

Her boyfriend, the most popular guy in school had instantly jumped in the way, catching my fist, the power suddenly drained from it as he squeezed until the bone snapped. I cradled my hand at the memory; I had told my Mum that I walked into a door. She didn't believe me but didn't press the matter. Mikey knew, I could see it in his eyes, but I held back the tears at my brothers drooping face until later, until now. I don't want to think about the beating that came next, nothing new, the usual. The fists, the kicks, the feet meeting my face and balls again and again until I squealed in pain, which only make them start again, more enthusiastic this time.

I cringed at the memory, my fist tightening around something that I held in my hand. The pain came suddenly, flooding through me and a warm feeling spread on my hand. It snapped me back to reality as I looked down at my blooded wrist, the razor in a locked position pressing deeper and deeper into my veins. I sighed as the blood oozed down my arm and quickly grabbed my black hoodie and held it over the wound. I reached for a plaster from where they were hid under my bed and quickly uncovered the cut before slapping down the material to cover the scar from the world. The way I sort of hid myself from the world too. 

My hands were busy but my mind once again drifted back to that day and my finger clasped the blade again, working quickly at revealing my thigh muscle and slicing the skin, splitting the white and covering the plain canvas of my body with a stain that would never really heal.

A knocking came from my door.

"Gerard, can I come in?"

The small voice that could only have belonged to my brother Mikey, sent alarm bells ringing in my head. The blade fell to the carpet, coating a small section of it in red. My hands fumbled for the plasters before covering up the fresh blood stained skin with a few. I just had time to pull up my jeans and shove the blade under my bed, before Mikey's head appeared around the door. He looked swiftly around the room before his eyes settled on me, perched at the edge of my bed.

"Are you okay?" His squeaky voice irritated me, the moment of his entrance perfect. He knew nothing of me self-harming and it would stay that way, if he wasn't so fucking stupid with his timings. I flicked my black hair across my face creating a barrier between our eyes as I lifted my head towards the direction of the door. It also hid the bruises which told the story of my life.

"Fine," I grunted, trying not to make it obvious I had been crying. He stepped into the room, wearing his duck onsie that was worn and faded from overuse. I gave a small smile at Mikey's choice of pyjamas before remembering the photos I had seen of me smiling, the toothy ugly grins which filled our living room and changed my face to a frown. I was ugly and that was something I tried hard not to forget. The fringe of hair suddenly seemed stupid as Mikey made his way across my room to sit beside me on my bed. He tried to settle carefully but the movement of him still made me wince as the feeling spread to my legs where the cuts remained hidden but refusing to go unacknowledged.

"Sure?" The uncertainty in his voice was hard to block out but I just turned to face him, parting my hair slightly with a swift action of my sleeve covered hand.

"I'm fine," The voice tried to come out strong but seemed to change somewhere between my brain's command and the words which uttered from my lips. We sat in silence for a second before Mikey jumped up and went for the door. He turned quickly, looking into my eyes before I could look away, locking me in a stare of love and pity. My stomach turned to see the relentless love wavering from him and I felt sick to see the pity, the feelings for a hopeless cause.

"Mum says tea's ready ..." He muttered it, knowing that I never ate with them anyway, not enjoying the silence, the polite utterings of "How was your day?" when my family already knew the answers from the bruises which covered my body. He sighed inwards and turned to go before turning back again (couldn't he just leave me alone?!) with a smug smile painted on his face.

"Oh and by the way, Frank's here!"


	2. Are you okay?

### Gerard's POV:

We sat in silence around the dinner table all facing each other. The silence was beginning to cut through my chest like a knife, an invisible scar to match the ones which were real when Frank spoke up.

"Lovely food, Mrs Way," he smiled up from his place, shoving more pasta inside his mouth to prove his point. My Mum's eyebrows seemed to raise a little at this but at least she tried to smile.

"Thank you, dear," the smile was thin as the cold words flowed through the air. The silence became unbearable then. The hurt lingered on Frankie's face for a second before he looked down at his pasta and finished his portion, not speaking for the rest of the meal. My heart thumped in my chest to see him like this, the beat of it quickening whenever he glanced up quickly catching my eyes before looking back down at his plate. We had been officially going out for two months but my Mum still wouldn't accept I was gay. It was hard for her, I got that. The same way it was hard for her that I was bullied, hard that I hid upstairs alone, hard that I had one real friend, who also happened to be my boyfriend. But she would have to deal with it at some point. It hurt Frank to not be accepted as though he was as much of a misfit as me, he oozed confidence and despite us being at the same school for the same amount of time, he had made friends. Bob and Ray were his best friends, good musicians in their own right, brilliant even, famous throughout the school. But I just couldn't talk to people properly like a normal human being, not really, not even to Mikey anymore. I could only talk to Frank.

Mikey speedily talked about his day and school. Some new kid. The music lesson he had today. Mum wasn't really listening, staring at a space on the wall behind Frank, who sat opposite her. The sound of Mikey's voice was better than the silence that was sure to come if he didn't. The meal ended, the plates stacked, thanks said before the three of us walked up the stairs and went into Mikey's room. Mikey ran for the bean bag laughing as Frank collapsed on top of him, trying to get the seat for himself. I stood watching them, not feeling like I could really join in, perching instead on Mikey's bed, hunched and lost in my thoughts for a second. A second was all I got before a small concerned face appeared under my ducked one, the eyes full of love almost pink with overwhelming feelings for me. I smiled at Frank before quickly covering it with my hair. So the sentiment wasn't completely lost, I reached for his face and stroked his cheek. It was soft and warm against my hand. He seemed to purr for a second lusting in my touch before he reached up and grabbed my hand, squeezing it gently. He sat down on the bed beside me, making me wince again, but I tried to cover it up, Frank's eyes miss nothing.

"I'll set the X-Box, okay?" Mikey looked excited at the prospect of playing with Frank. I never played with him anymore so why shouldn't he be?

"Okay, sure," Frank grinned at Mikey, showing his pearly white teeth, a smile I wish I had. He turned to me as if asking permission to which I nodded enthusiastically, trying to hide any jealousy I felt for that friendship between Mikey and Frank. Not well enough apparently because suddenly there was a quiet "Be right back" from Frankie before his arm led mine out of Mikey's room and into the hallway.

"You okay?" The eyes were instantly on me, drilling into me, despite the fact I was taller than him. If I heard those words again I would snap. But instead of snapping I tried to smile at him, nodding. The frown which followed my smile as I realised I had once again shown the true ugliness which lay beneath my skin, seemed to make him unhappy. His smile faltered.

"Then smile!" He jokingly used his fingers to make me smile which only made me pull away in irritation at the gesture. He looked sad before covering it up, just like he had at dinner, except this time with a look of mischievousness.

"You know, while we have a few minutes," he grinned cheekily, sending my head spinning. His hands found my hips and gripped them tightly, rubbing his hands down my sides before settling them on my back. His eyes found mine and looked right into my soul and I sighed. He closed his eyes and breathed in fully as if to inhale my scent. His lips found mine and the warmth spread through me, starting from my lips but seeming to reach all the way down to my toes. His tongue slid its way into my mouth, playing a game with my own tongue, a game of tag around own lips. I opened my eyes, which I didn't remember shutting in the first place, my mind lost in Frankie's, to see his eyes looking back at me. The eyes were full of lust and his perfect skin felt right against mine as he pulled away from my mouth and lay his head on my shoulder. It fit perfectly there, as if he was made to be there, as if we were made for each other.

I kissed the top of his head, breathing him in and stroking his fringe down over his forehead. The boy used too much hair gel, one day it would ruin his hair but he wouldn't be Frank without it! We stood like that for a while, happy in each other's company. Suddenly, he jumped up onto my hips, his legs wrapped around me and his eyes laughing at the shock which must have shown on my face. The shock, then pain at the extra weight which my legs had gained. The pain from the scars invisible to all but me. He looked like he was about to say something when Mikey's door opened.

"Ughh ... Seriously guys! Outside my bedroom!" Mikey pretended to puke, grinning at own position. I felt my face flush pink but when I looked at Frank, he only gave my brother the finger and met my lips with his for a brief moment just to see Mikey's reaction. To this Mikey rolled his eyes and turned back to his room. 

"Fine, you guys stay out here. I'll call Ray and Bob," he murmured to himself. They were everyone's friends, well except mine obviously. I looked at Frank to see what he would do. He jumped off me and skipped along the hall to my bedroom. I followed after him and entered to see him lying on my bed suggestively, one eyebrow cocked. I tried not to laugh at him, not wanting to see the hurt expression on his face again. Instead I ran to the bed, ignoring the pain I felt as I flopped on the bed beside him. He rolled his eyes at me and jumped off the bed to shut the door before turning back to me, still with one eyebrow cocked.

"Let's get started, sugar," The husky voice sent shivers down my body.


	3. Life as it should always be

### Frank's POV:

Gerard tried to bite back a smile as I leant against his door, my eyebrow looking suggestive (I hope!) at him. God, I loved his smile, I wished he smiled more often. I walked over to the bed and sat down beside him. He looked at me before shifting his position until he was sat next to me. I stroked his face with the back of my hand and felt him shiver beneath me.

"I was only joking you know," I muttered into him, as I embraced him in a hug, "I know you're not ready." I wasn't going to force sex on him, we loved each other and I was willing to wait. He tensed under me for a second before his arms gripped my shoulders and he pushed me back. My heart jumped in my chest for a second wondering what I did wrong before I saw his face, his real face, smile and all. He looked into my eyes and sent goose bumps down me.

"I ... I think I am ready..." This shocked me and my mouth opened up widely but before I could say anything, his mouth was on mine, his warmth was my warmth.

"You sure..." I managed out the side of my mouth. In response he grabbed my arse tightly, gripping my firm buttocks in his hands. I didn't need telling twice. I pinned him down on his bed by the shoulders, my hips securing his down, our bodies against each other. My lips never left his and his hands started at my shirt trying desperately, savagely to pull it off my body. I had to help him then, pulling myself off him enough so that he could sit up. I raised my arms above my head like a little child being dressed by his Mum. He giggled an innocent sound before reaching up to pull my shirt over my head. For a second, my chest was in the open, my shirt over my head and in that second Gerard's lips were on my chest, starting from the neck, his lips kissing my collarbone. He traced my ribs and lightly nipped my nipples with his teeth, making me shake with anticipation of what was to come. His lips began to kiss down my body. I couldn't wait any longer. I ripped my shirt over my head and begun to peel off his hoodie. This he didn't seem to like so much as his arms came down straight to his sides. I looked up at him questioningly and he looked back biting his lip, not trying to stop a smile this time but looking generally nervous. Aw, he's shy. My hands worked their way into his shirt instead, stroking and feeling my way down from his chest to his stomach, stopping to tease his nipples. He shivered and his arms moved away from his sides. In one swift movement, his hoodie came off to reveal his naked torso, pale but other than that perfect against the bed sheets. He seemed shocked but just kissed me in response, our chests rubbing against each other, two bodies becoming one. I pulled off of him and pushed him on top of me now, not caring that he was bigger, just wanting to feel him pressing against me, like I had been to him. He quickly got the message, clambering on me, his hips pressed against mine, making me gasp as he slowly moved them back and forth.

My gasp seemed to encourage him as he became faster and faster with his motions. This only increased the hardness of myself against him. I breathed in sharply and gently pushed him off me before anything more happened. I was on top of him again, playing with his hair and kissing his chest, once again moving down to his stomach. But this time I didn't stop only continuing. I brought down his fly with my teeth (an old trick) and he tensed with anticipation for me. I carefully removed his trousers and boxers to reveal his full self to me, large and sweaty from his jeans where his dick had been pressed up against the denim for some time, I think. He looked up at me, anxious for me and like he couldn't wait for me anymore, he grabbed my neck and pushed me towards him. Yet, I stopped him, using my teeth to pull at foreskin and nipping lightly on his end. He gasped at my teasing and tried to push himself further into me, raising his hips. I gave in to him, sucking gently on him like a lollipop, moving in and out. His breathing only increased and I helped him move his hips up and down to the rhythm of my sucking. It became harder for me to keep him in time as I got quicker, pulling him deeper into me and deep throating him, swallowing to create motions that his whole body seemed to shake too.

Gerard pulled me off him suddenly, his eyes wide with an expression I couldn't place. With my hands quick and nifty, I flipped him onto his back and started to pull down my pants. My hands were fumbling too much to really do it properly so he helped me, his hands clamping my sweaty ones, pulling my jeans down until I was completely naked and we were pressed up against each other.

"Do you want me to ..." My voice was quiet and full of lust, dropping off as he nodded his head eagerly. Carefully I slid my finger into him. He wasn't ready and immediately tightened around me. I gasped a little before biting his ear lope and tracing his spine with my spare hand. He started to relax as my finger ran down his back and played it like a piano, relaxing us both. Another finger joined my first and they began rubbing his insides, tickling his spot, making him whine like a little girl. I made a noise like a laugh as I added another finger. This was too much teasing and Gerard knew it.

"Frank..." The whisper came out of him. He panted as I moved my fingers around inside him.

"Yes Ger-rrard," I played with the 'Gerr' in my mouth, making him groan at the noise.

"I want you inside me nooo..." at the words I increased the speed of my fingers, stopping his words sharply.

"Fran...." He tried to speak my name. Gently I pulled out my fingers and used them to grasp onto his large erection, slowly pumping. Then a sudden heat ran through me as I pulled inside him. For a second, we were still. This felt so right, so real. Then I began to move my hips in and out, pumping him in time to my rhythm. There was nothing he could do but pant and rock back and forth for me.

"Frank-eyyyy..." The noise was lust filled and was harsh. I could hear his breath quickening as he leaned over. I increased my pumping and I knew neither of us would last much longer.

"Gerraaaard ... Gerrrrrard .... Gerraaarrrrddd!"

My voice got louder as I felt myself tense inside him and I blew my load. I finished him off, he spunked all over my hand and then sparked out on his bed, naked and panting. I lay on top of him, still inside him, still breathing heavily. Slowly he pulled out from under me, standing up by his bed, grabbing a t-shirt from the floor and cleaning himself with it carelessly. He kneeled down next to me and kissed me once, a long and passionate one, leaving me speechless as he handed me the shirt to clean myself with. Once I was clean and had at least attempted to get some of the cum off of his bed sheets, we lay together under his covers embracing, my head on his chest. Like it should always be.


	4. I wasn't ready

### Frank's POV:

"I love you," I spoke the words quietly looking up at him. His eyes had been closed but they snapped open now finding my eyes and telling me exactly the same with them.

"I love you too, baby," he spoke. There was no lust in his voice at the use of the word baby, it was just simple adoration. We resumed our position of me lying on his chest, breathing in and out in time together. I used the rhythm of it to trace his arm which was tucked neatly around me. He stroked my hair and kissed me every now and then, putting me completely at ease. As I ran my hand down his arm, I felt a sudden bump in the smoothness of his skin. I puzzled over it, feeling the difference in texture from his arm. I felt the chest underneath me stop breathing and tighten as my fingers rested there. I moved to look up at Gerard but his arm came out from under me, making me turn the other way onto my side, facing away from him.

"Gerard?" I asked questioningly, turning to face him just in time to see his arms shoot under his body, his back protectively hiding them from everyone. He tried to look innocent but was failing as his cheeks burned red. I tried to free his arms but they were stuck there, glued underneath him.

"Fine! I'll have to make you," I smiled at him, my face suddenly serious as I clambered on top of him, assuming the position and clamping down my thighs on him. I grabbed a chunk of his hair and held it back so he was forced to look at me. It didn't hurt him but at least this way he had to look into my eyes. The face showed another expression I couldn't read. A worse expression. His lip quivered and his breath quickened. He looked almost afraid of me.

"Please, Frankie," he looked at me actually shaking as I once again tried to unhook his arms from behind his back, "Don't!" His voice got louder as my grip tightened on his wrist, forcing it into the open. On his wrist sat a small plaster, covering something red underneath it, the colour leaking from under the pink fabric. He looked at me again with those eyes but it didn't stop me from ripping off the plaster, maybe hurting him but in that one moment not caring. The scars could have been seen with the plaster on, the raw scratches emerging from underneath the material. The newest wound was long and still bleeding from being cut. How could he do this to himself?! I refused to look at him and I quickly removed the cover from him to view the rest of his body. Similar scars could be seen on his other wrist and his upper thighs. How had I seen him naked and not noticed this? How had our bodies slapped against each other without me feeling the pain and blood which poured from these hidden troubles?

"Gerard..." I finally looked again from his body and saw his face awash with tears. These weren't cries for help or even tears of pain. These were silent tears stored up for I don't know how long but the horror in his eyes at my discovery said it all.

"I'm so sor..." he began before bursting into childish sobs. I held him and stroked his hair. I hushed his sobs and muttered "it’s okay, it'll all be okay..." again and again. Would it though? Could we recover through this? Of course we could if Gerard needed me then I would be here. I kissed his face, tried to kiss the tears away but they only came harder and faster. Gerard's body moved suddenly away from me, his head turning away, the tears running unstopped down his face. For a second, he seemed to collect himself before using his cut wrists to wipe away his salty tears and turn to face me. His expression was hard and unforgiving.

"You're right. I wasn't ready," his face said the words had to be true. I was shocked and my mouth dropped open. I gulped with guilt, was he trying to say it was my fault he had done this?! That I had forced him to do this? I had to stay calm as he was obviously in a lot of pain. I stood next to him, standing as tall as I could.

"Gerard, I love you and I will be here for you no matter what." The words sounded strong and I wanted so much for him to know them to be true. Yet when I tried to touch his face, he turned away, rocking on his heels.

"I'd like you to go now please..." The voice wasn't his, couldn't have been his!

"What?"

"Leave!" He turned to face me, an emotionless mask on his face, no love, no forgiveness. No emotions whatsoever. I gulped and held my arms out to him, my eyes beginning to glisten with tears.

"Please, don't do this!" I felt so clingy but I didn't want to leave him like this. I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted his chest to lean on. Suddenly I was the one who needed reassurance.

"Leave!" He repeated the word louder, still no emotion. I stepped towards him, my arms out to hug him, needing his warmth. His hand made me stop dead as he slapped me square across the face.

His mask slipped as he looked shocked at his hand like he couldn't believe what he had done. We stood frozen for a second, neither speaking.

"Frankie, I'm..." I stopped listening, shoving on my clothes, Gerard doing the same but I marched swiftly out of the Way household before he could follow.


	5. Welcome back Gerard

### Frank POV:

I didn’t know where I was going and didn’t care. I stalked straight past Mikey’s room. Fuck him and fuck his brother! ‘Well I’d already done that!’ I thought angrily. I saw once again his emotionless mask as he slapped me, as he pushed me away and he told me to leave. I hadn’t realised I was running until I reached the end of the road. I stopped, panting and suddenly I was crying, not crying but sobbing, my face streamed with tears and sounds escaping my throat like sounds a prey might make before the sweet release of death. When I felt this bad, when I felt like it was the end of the world, I would run to Gerard. He would give me advice, he would comfort me and he would wipe my tears away. Except now, I was running away from Gerard. And I had left a piece of my heart there with him.

“Frank!”

The whisper of a shout was carried by the wind. The pain in the voice made me want to run towards it, to help the poor soul who had made such a scream. I turned and saw Gerard leaning out of his window, his face pain stricken as he shouted after me.

“Please, Frankie. Please come back!” He could barely choke out the last words through his cries and I broke in two as I looked into his teary eyes. Then I saw Gerard again; except not him, the real him, his hand fast as it slapped me, his eyes cold as they stared into me, looking at me and seeing nothing, looking into me and feeling nothing. I was nothing to him.

### Gerard POV:

I watched as he looked up at me, his face hard and cold. There was no longer any love there, not for me, not for everyone. The figure turned away from me. Then Frank turned back a little as if debating something. He swirled round, this time with a look of pure disgust on his face. The same look they had. The look they wore at school as they hurt me. I was nothing to him. Silent tears ran down my face as I watched him turn on his heel and leave. His shoulders were the last thing I saw and they seemed to shake as he marched, shake with a pure hatred and anger, anger at me.

I stumbled over to my bed and lay there. The pillow was still warm and I could smell a clean minty scent; Frankie. I tried to bury my face into the smell but the sounds escaped my lips before I could. I screamed out his name, wanting him to come back. I cursed myself, wishing I were dead. Why had I been so stupid?! I played it over and over again in my head. The look of hurt as I rejected him. The look of pain when I pushed him away. The look of horror as I slapped him. And finally the disgust as he left me. As he walked out of my life. I wish I was dead.

All of sudden, a thought struck me and my legs were pushing off the bed until I was a heap on my floor. My arms began to move, the way they only knew how, reaching under my bed until my hands grasped onto something cold and sharp. The urge was so strong. I could feel the blood pumping around my body. Feel the scars throb at the memory of the pain that was to come. I positioned my back towards the door and held the blade over a smooth place on my wrists. I thought of Frankie’s look of disgust as I lowered the cold object to meet my skin.

“Gerard?”

I jumped up, dropping the razor blade on my bed and looking around at the owner of the voice. It was only when I saw Ray and Bob standing in the doorframe that I realised how fast my heart was beating. It never beat that fast. Except for...

“Mikey wants to know if you wanna play...” Bob’s voice stopped as he caught a proper look at my tear stained face. I sniffed slightly, not enjoying the feeling of them stood there judging me. I was trying to think of something to say, anything to say when Ray spoke.

“Bob... Maybe you wanna go set up a controller for Gerard?” The voice was polite and he looked pointedly at Bob, who nodded and sprinted back to Mikey’s room. Ray walked in my room and shut the door behind him. When he turned his back, I remembered that the blade was still lying obviously on my bed. I pushed it down the side of my bed and then looked over my shoulder at Ray, who was stood awkwardly at my door. Then he made his way over to the bed and sat down on it. He looked at the space next to him and gestured for me to sit. Not sure what to do, I sat down and looked at him. His eyes were steady and his face was composed as he looked back at me calmly.

“So ...” He began, his finger tapping his knees as he thought of what to say next. I opened my mouth as if to speak but then closed it realising I was showing my ugly jagged teeth.

“How are you?” The question was asked nicely enough, the tone easy and welcoming.

“I’m okay!” It wasn’t until I’d spoken that I realised my voice was angry and that my teeth were gritted. Why was I angry? Well why shouldn’t I be angry!? He was in my fucking room after all! My response didn’t seem to faze Ray though and he ducked his head so that he could look more fully into my eyes.

“Sure?” I thought hard about what to say next. I thought about my cutting, I thought of the pain as the bullies kicked me, I thought of Mikey looking pityingly at me, I thought of my loneliness at school with no friends, I thought of how much worse it would be now without Frank. Frank. My Frankie. Frank. I didn’t care that Ray was there. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I just burst into babyish sobs.

I was grasped into a bearish hug but was too upset to notice. I just wept. I cried tears that had been held in for so long. I cried for the pain that I felt whenever I woke up in the morning to find I was still me, still Gerard, still alive. I cried for the kicking and the fists, which flew at me again and again. I cried for the brother who used to love me, love me not pity me. But most of all I cried for Frank. We seemed locked in that position for what seemed like hours. Eventually the tears ran out as quickly as turning off a tap. The silence that followed was a pleasant one, so different to the awkward silences, like at the dinner table that night. Not a silence like when I was alone and the urge to cut was so strong that the quiet ate away at me until I just had to grab the blade. This was nice, it was calming, especially with Ray’s arms holding my shoulders ferociously. It was as if they were trying to shield me from the troubles of the world and it was almost working.

“Ready to talk now?” I could feel his body shift slowly as he talked, his hair tickling my face slightly. I sighed into his shoulder and raised my head. It was then I noticed the damp spot on his shirt where my tears had fallen.

“Sorry,” I muttered, pointing my head towards it. He looked at me questioningly before spotting the damp and grinning widely.

“It’s okay, honestly!” My heart tugged at the words.

“No, it’s not okay.”

“You’re right,” he nodded, looking into my eyes again, “so what is it?”

I listed my issues in my head, scratching them out one by one until the biggest problem remained.

“Frank...” That one word threatened to break me down into tears again as I said it.

“Oh yeah!” Ray seemed to think out loud when he spoke, “I was wondering where he was.”

Though it really wasn’t a question, I told Ray anyway.

“He left.”

“Why?” The question brought the memories flooding back. His eyes examining my scars, the hurt in his eyes, his one red cheek as he stormed out of the house.

“I hit him!” The words shocked me as I spoke them. They were so definite and sharp that Ray’s face changed from his calm expression to a frown, his lips parted.

“Oh.”

We sat not talking, the quiet piercing. My eyes shut as I tried to force the words away. Maybe if I concentrated hard enough then I could make all of this go away. If I just thought about...

“Did he deserve it?” My eyes snapped open. Ray was looking out of my window so that I couldn’t see his face. It hurt to think back. The tears in his eyes. The hurt on his face. The one red cheek staring me straight in the face, the colour of blood blotting out every other colour.

“Of course, he fucking didn’t!” The sentence exploded out of me, ruining the moment. Ray turned away from the window but wouldn’t look me in the face.

“Err...” He looked about to get to his feet, the tension in the air almost unbearable when a sad whimpering voice spoke from somewhere inside me.

“I didn’t mean too...” The voice startled me. But something in it made Ray relax back onto my bed.

“I know you didn’t Gerard!” He smirked at me. The smile looked somewhat out of place in my room but I welcomed its glow, in that second, it seemed to light up the entire world.

“It doesn’t matter now anyway,” The sad voice spoke out.

“Why not?” Ray frowned slightly.

“Because ...” I paused, “Because he doesn’t love me anymore!” The look of disgust shot through my mind.

Ray looked about to speak when a loud bang came from the door. The handle pulled down and two figures were suddenly lying on the floor of my room, moaning loudly. Mikey and Bob lay for a second before Mikey’s head popped up, looking at me and grinning.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me right?” Bob spoke first, his eyes wide as he stumbled to his feet.

“I have known Frank for all of what ... Five years! The last few months of his life have been the happiest I have ever seen him, Gerard! If Frank doesn’t love you, then ... then ....” Bob stuttered.

“Unicorns must be real?!” Ray added helpfully, smiling sweetly at Mikey.

“Unicorns are real!” The angry response made my lips begin to tremble. I started to laugh at him, suddenly Bob giggled, and Ray snorted. Then all three of us were rolling around of the floor, breathless and giddy at the look of fierceness on Mikey’s face.

“Oh Mikey! We’re only kidding!” I grabbed his leg, making him yelp with surprise and fall over next to me on the ground. Even Mikey started laughing then. We lay panting when my brother turned to me smiling from ear to ear as he pulled me in for a hug.

“Welcome back, Gerard!”


	6. Two brothers

### Gerard POV:

I woke up to a feeling of warmth spreading over my face. I remembered my dream, me and Frank together. I smiled at the memory. Maybe the warmth was his breath tickling my face and I would open my eyes to see him lying sleeping next to me, his innocent face lit up with happiness as he dreamed of me. I would gently wake him up with a kiss and we would look into each other's eyes, neither of us having to say the words 'I'm sorry...' because we already knew. Then Frankie would kiss me back and I would be able to feel his lust and longing in that kiss and I would know that he felt exactly the same, that he loved me too.

I opened my eyes. The curtain leaked a thin line of sunlight through, bitterly reminding I had school that morning. The sunlight left warmth on my face as I sat up in bed and swung my legs over the side of my bed. If only the light could reach within me and warm my heart. Frank. I wanted to cry out for him but knew that Mum and Mikey would still be sleeping. I always got up too early for school, got dressed and left to beat the morning rush. To beat the harsh grapping hands and hard toed shoes as they told me what I already knew. I was lost. Lost in this world. Lost without Frank. Lost. I went to the bathroom and filled the sink with water, dipping my head into the coolness to wake myself up. As I came up for air, I grinned as I caught myself in the mirror, black hair sprawled across my face resembling a bird’s nest. Then I properly looked, seeing my smile and frowned at the reflection. Sighing, I went to my bedroom and opened my wardrobe. Nothing to wear. I grabbed an old pair of skinny jeans and a black Misfits hoddie. I thought about eyeliner but in the end decided I was hated enough already at school. I grabbed my school bag and took the stairs two at a time. I forgot too late about being quiet and had stomped all the way down to the hallway before remembering two people were sleeping upstairs. I face palmed before hearing a shuffle of feet on the landing. My feet ran me to the door and I had reached for the handle when a voice spoke.

"Gerard? Is that you?" A half worried voice came down the stairs, Mikey, and I saw his feet first as he walked sleepily down. I was trapped into a conversation, half hanging off the handle, desperate to beat the other kids to school.

"What are you doing up? It's early!" Mikey rubbed his eyes as he took in the fact I was already dressed.

"I'm always up this early! You just sleep in, lazy," I tried to smooth out his mad hair as it stuck out at odd angles, just like mine had. He shoved my hand off and grabbing my wrist pulling me into the kitchen. I tried not to wince as his fingers dug into my scars.

"Look, Mikey. I have to go..." Mikey pushed me down in a chair and shushed me as I started to panic. The last time I had gone into school on time, I had only been able to reach period 2 as I had hidden in the toilets trying to stem the flow of blood from a gash which had completely covered my forehead. There had been no hiding that from Mum.

"Mikey..." He only again held his hand up to stop me and brought over two large bowls of cereal. He placed it in front of me and sat opposite, pointing at the cereal and making obvious eating movements. I stared at the spoon he had placed carefully into my hand. I had never really eaten, Mikey knew that. I didn't eat breakfast or dinner and would only occasionally buy lunch. I pushed the bowl away only to be faced with my brother's raised eyebrow.

"Eat!" He demanded it like a spolit child who wanted to carry on playing in the park for 5 more minutes. I just looked at him with a sort of 'what are you going to do' face. He filled a spoonful of cereal from his bowl and launched it across the table, straight into my open mouth. I choked on it, gagging for air. A hard hand slapped me repeatedly on the back until a mouthful of mushed cereal lay undigested on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Gee!" Mikey looked worriedly upset.

"It was just a joke..." I ignored him instead focusing on cleaning the floor of cereal. He sighed and looked down at his bowl of cereal before deciding he didn't want it anymore and clearing our two bowls away.

"I'll understand if you don't wanna walk to school with me anymore..." The sad voice seemed to melt my cold heart a little.

"You want to walk with me?" I walked alone, too early for even the birds to venture out so as to avoid the horrible bullies and their comments which cut into me, drawing visible blood from my already cut arms and legs. Mikey walked with Bob and Ray. Frank lived in the other direction to all of us so walked on his own. Frank. My face must have showed my sadness because Mikey came over to me and lifted my head to look at him. He always was taller than me.

"Of course I want to walk with you. Ray and Bob do too! They said you were really fun yesterday..." His voice drifted off as he thought over yesterday's events.

"What has happened between you and Frank anyway, Gerard?" My face darkened as I thought of Frank turning on his heel and leaving me alone. Without him.

"Oh, I'm ... I'm sorry ... I wasn't thinking," He muttered tactlessly. "Give me two seconds to get dressed and I'll be ready to walk with you, okay?" I nodded slightly, a plan already hatched in my head to leave before he was ready. What if we ran into someone walking to Ray's or Bob's, just the two of us?! Mikey wasn't exactly tough! What if they turned on him? I could never forgive myself.

"And don't even think about leaving!" The voice wouldn't have been enough to stop me leaving until he turned around on the stairs, looking at me mischievously. "Or I'll tell Mum what you and Frank did last night..." He left me with that sentence as I turned red, blushing deeply. Well we weren't exactly quiet were we?! Still, him, Bob and Ray heard us? God!

"I wasn't ready..." The sentence flooded back to me along with Frank's broken hearted expression. It was a horrible thing to say, he had asked if I was after all. Twice! If he had asked me once more, I would have thought he didn't want too. Until I felt the pressure of his hips against mine, his teeth nipping my end and his eyes hungry for me. Not that it mattered now, no matter what the guys had said afterwards, I was still nothing in his eyes.

Mikey flew down the stairs, a flash of red jeans and a Metallica hoddie, grabbing me and heading out the door before I could object. His mouth moved at the speed of lightening too, telling me about this new game Ray had just got and why we had to leave NOW to go play it before school because it was so good... I let him rattle on for a bit, sinking back into my thoughts, letting them lull over me like black clouds as I thought of Frankie and how sorry I was. How desperate for him I felt, how much I wanted his touch.

"Gee...” The voice came quietly, in the silence I realised had fallen on us.

"Hmm..." I turned to Mikey, suddenly aware he was in tears which had fallen silently down his face and he looked so sad as he walked slowly hunched over, his eyes saying it all as they screamed out to me. We stopped walking so I could embrace him in a hug.

"Hey, hey, squirt! What's up?" I rubbed his back with my spare hand, clutching him tightly as I felt his tears fall on my shoulder.

"It's nothing really..." He muttered into my hoodie. I held him at arm’s length and lowered my head so I could see into his eyes, my problems now distant memories.

"If it makes you this upset then it is something!" This made him shrug sadly, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

"You can talk to me, right? I'm here for you now even if I haven't been in the past!" I continued, Mikey obviously not convinced. "I've had my own problems but yours are important too, okay? You are my little brother and I love you no matter what!" His head lifted slightly and my lips found the top of his ruffled hair and kissed it lightly. I let them rest there as he sighed deeply.

"Well... you know you're...."

"Yes, Mikes," hoping his old nickname might egg him on to what he wanted to say.

"You're gay, right?" The statement shocked me. He knew that. Mikey had been the one who had taken my outburst the best, not questioning me just embracing me in a hug, the way I was doing to him now.

"Yeah..." I didn't know how to carry on. "You wanna talk about that? Because we can if you want too?" I added hurriedly at the end.

"Well...I think....I might be gay too!" I just stayed hugging him, not really thinking about what he had said, simply kissing his head again and again as if to soothe the many worries which rattled around his brain.

"Gee..." He sounded uncertain as he raised his head to see my eyes. I smiled at him, fully and winked at him, making him cringe and blush.

"I knew it!" I exclaimed. Because I had. He had never had a girlfriend and had always liked the fact his friend and brother were together. Once Frank had mentioned that he had caught Mikey staring at us as we kissed. I had just smiled when Frank had asked if I thought he was confused. And he had grinned right back, understanding me without me needing to say a word. Of course that time was gone now... No! Mikey's problems first!

"I love you no matter what, sweetie, okay?" My voice seemed to relax him and he fell back into my hug.

"Mum's gonna hate us," I whispered into his ear. I could feel him tense up at the thought of telling Mum before started to giggle until we were both laughing. Hugging and laughing. Pulling away, we turned towards Ray's house.


	7. Bros before Hoes

### Gerard POV:

I had never been this happy. I’d had double maths this morning and would usually just drift off, drawing in my art book and flying far away from here leaving behind the dark, adolescent stinking classroom. I would usually be with Frank and I would be sketching him as he lay for me, posing so that my pencil could trace his hip bones delicately and easily as he lay still watching me. I loved having such a vivid imagination; I think it’s what got me through the days at this hell of a school. I was sitting in the classroom when a thin boy with a birds nest of hair, even more so than mine, plonked into the seat which always remained empty beside me. Ray grinned at me before registering the shock on my face.

“Oh, I can move if you want?” He blushed a little, “It’s just because Bob’s got the dentist this morning. And I thought …”

I put my hand up to stop him speaking and he cringed away from it, as if I was going to hit him. My face must have screwed up then because Ray put his hand up to squeeze mine. Frank hadn’t cringed like that because he hadn’t thought I was capable of hitting him, of hurting him. Well he was wrong. Not caring that people were watching us, he gripped me into a hug and stroked my hair whispering in my ear.

“I know you would never hit me, Gerard.”

I blinked back the tears, hardly hearing him. I bet that’s what Frank had thought too. We stayed like that though his hair was starting to make me cough and his arms were making me uncomfortable when the teacher came in. He released me and was going to get up and move to another seat when my hand came out to stop him. Whether on purpose or not this time he didn’t flinch, I was grateful for that, and I pulled him back down to the seat. He smiled at me and put his feet up on the desk, relaxing. I tried not to care that his trainer sat on top of my Maths book. The lesson dragged after that, time slow without the release of my steady hand marking the pages of my jotter but I could hardly draw and ignore Ray all lesson. The lesson was dull but yet it was still comfortable to have someone next to me, in silence or not. We didn’t have to speak, he knew I was still hurting badly over Frank so was happy just to leave me be and in a way, I was glad of the silence.

When two hours had passed, my Maths book still untouched, Ray walked with me out of the door and embraced me in an awkward hug again.

“You’ll all be okay, Gee,” his hair suffocating me once again, “You’ll see.” I felt close to tears again. I liked having a friend. But I would still swap it again in a heartbeat for Frank. I hadn’t seen him yet today and I was afraid to look for him because I didn’t want to see the hard mask of hate which would greet me. Yet it was no more than I deserved.

“Ray, I’m not that good with the hugging thing, okay?” He instantly let go of me and I was afraid I’d hurt his feelings when he flashed me a killer smile.

“That’s cool. I’m not into hugs anyway, it just says a lot more than words, don’t you think?”

I nodded in agreement. I loved hugging Frank because he was so little, I loved holding him and the feeling of him leaning against me and clinging to me like I was his life support made me feel … It was indescribable.

“Well … Nice sitting with you, I guess?” I was unsure about what to do now, so turned to go. I liked a spot underneath an oak tree round the back of the school. No one really knew about it so I was alone to draw. I hadn’t even taken Frank to my special place, it was just for me.

“Wait!” Ray’s voice startled my thoughts. He looked a bit embarrassed but carried on anyway.

“You could … I mean … You could come eat with us this lunch if you wanted.”

I tried to keep my face calm but my insides were screaming at me. No, I would fuck it up, just like I did everything else. No, Ray and Bob and even Mikey would finally realise what a freak I was and any chance of me having friends would be gone just like that. No, Frank might be there and I wasn’t ready to see him yet. I wasn’t ready to accept that it was over.

“Yeah, sure.”

Wait, had I said that?! I must have done because Ray smiled at me and guided me by the hand along the corridors to the back courts where they hung out. I started to panic. What did I say? What did I do? I know Mikey and Ray, but what if there were other people there?! I looked down at my jeans and hoddie, suddenly wishing I was wearing something else, that I was someone else. Ray had let go of my hand and was now walking in front, showing me the way. He looked back and moved to keep in time with me. He looked at me questioningly but I could tell from his stance that he seemed to think at any moment I would turn and run. That’s how I felt anyway.

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” I looked pleadingly at Ray as his face smoothed out from his creased brow as he had been watching me, into his usual smile.

“It’ll be fine,” he grinned, “We don’t have loads of us. Like its Mikey, me, Bob, Alicia and Fra...” He stopped himself, obviously just remembering that Frank would be there too.

“Oh yeah,” he muttered, looking at me for a second, a frown back on his face.

I bowed my head. I was the cause of lots of people’s problems at the minute. Ray, Mikey, Frank…

“It’ll be okay, remember?” He spoke reminding of what he had said a few minutes ago. I tried to smile at him but quickly thought of my teeth on show. He knew I was a loner, that I was sad and depressed, but did he have to know I was ugly too?! No, I wasn’t ugly. That’s what Frank tells me and I believe him. Well, told me. We reached the basketball courts and I scanned them quickly, looking for someone I knew. Just the jocks, showing off for the sluts as they giggled watching them, reapplying their make up in their tiny little compact mirrors. I looked back down at my feet. Trying to be friendly was going to be hard enough, doing so with a black eye would be near impossible. I had a friend in Ray now but that didn’t mean that I was no longer a target.

Ray guided me across the courts and behind them to a small forested area that I didn’t know existed.

“Where…” Ray hushed me with a look before parting some leaves on a low branched tree to reveal a small den. A handful of cushions lay on the ground and the long grass covered this place from sight.

“This is cool,” I remarked. Cooler than my special place, anyway.

“We like it,” spoke a giggly voice from a corner that I hadn’t looked in. Alicia, a short girl with black and pink dip dyed hair, laying sprawled on the ground, one ear bud in as she lazily watched us from her position on the grass. I had never really spoken to her before but she smiled at me, kindly as Ray approached her.

“Sit up, you slut! We can see right up your skirt!” Ray spoke with a smile, playfully putting his foot on her stomach. She shoved him off and sat up, smoothing out her skirt self-consciously.

“Of course, we have company,” her white teeth flashed at me as she made a semi-bow.

I just stood awkwardly, not sure how to react. Ray gestured to a cushion next to him, patting it obviously. I breathed out and slumped on the ground, feeling better now I didn’t have to concentrate on not tripping over my own feet. Alicia looked at me sideways, still smiling. God, she must think I’m so weird.

“Gerard, right?” Alicia spoke up, her eyes finding mine, glittering.

I nodded, not speaking still. Thankfully I was saved from anymore conversation as Mikey and Bob entered, Bob’s face unusually puffy. Mikey hardly had time to register me before Alicia had leapt on him, her legs around his waist. Her lips pushed against his and he struggled to stand up with her full weight on him. I frowned. Hadn’t he just come out to me as gay? Mikey threw her off and spat into the grass.

“Yuck. Err, Alicia!” He squealed at her as she rolled around on the grass laughing. Everyone was grinning and laughing as Mikey gagged and Alicia’s skirt rode up to her stomach, giving us all a full view of her knickers.

“I’m just kidding, Gerard,” Alicia spoke to me, after spotting my unsure expression. Mikey looked to me and grinned uneasily.

“He’s as gay as a picnic basket! Just checking,” The comment made everyone laugh, even Mikey. Once they’d stopped, I opened my mouth for the first time to speak.

“I know,” I spoke quietly. As his brother, I ought to know, right? Mikey looked a little anxious, probably worried that I would mind him telling his friends he was gay before me. But I didn’t anyway; he had nothing to be nervous about. I flashed him a small smile to show this and he smiled back at me.

“Oh!” Alicia grinned mischievously, “have you two had a thing?!”

Everyone suddenly burst out laughing. Mikey’s mouth opened and I could feel my face blushing scarlet. How did she not know we were brothers?! Err, that was disgusting! Alicia just sat there, frowning at everyone as they laughed.

“What?” She spoke, innocently.

“We’re sort of brothers!” I spoke out quietly, embarrassed and feeling their eyes on me, making it worse.

“Oh! You don’t look alike. Mikey, why didn’t you say anything?!”

“Just assumed you knew. Everyone else did,” Mikey smiled as he spoke, avoiding eye contact with me, the same way I was to him; it was just too gross a thought!

“You would have just made Ray and Bob jealous anyway!” A smile crept across my face as I watched the two named victims blush and look at their feet. The laughing carried on for longer this time. It was infectious and soon I was laughing too, my self consciousness suddenly forgotten.

“Are you guys like a thing, then?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No! It’s just Alicia’s stupid joke!” Ray spoke furiously, glaring at Alicia to shut up. Bob just looked embarrassed and spat out a piece of cotton wool he had had in his mouth from the dentist, I guess.

“Why you got something against gays?” Alicia questioned suddenly, making everyone turn to me.

“Of course, he doesn’t! He’s with Frank, right?” Bob spoke, suddenly looking at me worriedly and obviously thinking better than to say anything else.

“Wrong!”

The voice made me jump and turn towards the mouth of the den, where a small angry boy stood glaring at Bob. Frank’s eyes were red and puffy as if he had been crying. I badly wanted to soothe his eyes, closing them and kissing them shut. He didn’t even glance in my direction as he stared at his friends. He turned on his heel and left, steam seemingly rising from his ears as he stomped away. It felt like it was a piece of my heart he was standing on with every step he took. We sat in silence for a moment before someone spoke.

“Maybe someone should…” Ray began.

“I’ll go!” Mikey was on his feet and was after Frank before anyone could answer. He left, leaving silence behind him as I continued to stare at the space where Frank had been. Had been.


	8. A stranger comes to play

### Frank’s POV:

“Frank, come back!”

Mikey’s voice chased after me as I ran blindly through classrooms and corridors. Just wanting to get away from it all. Away from them. Away from him. I remembered his smiling, laughing face as I had entered. He was glad to be shot of me, happy to be apart from me. While I had sat crying for the first part of the day in a cubicle at school as I thought of living without him, my Gee. I couldn’t risk seeing him, seeing my friends for fear that I would burst into tears at the sound of his voice or the mention of his name. While Gerard had been with MY friends in MY den. Laughing and joking around. I bet they had never laughed so hard in their lives as they thought of me sad and alone while they buddied up to their new friend! Well, what did I care!? About Gerard, ha! He was history! I had ended it and walked out. I had chosen to leave him for the sad, pathetic loser that he was. He was so sad that he chose to cut his arms, to self-harm. He was so pathetic that he refused to talk to someone about it. Refused to talk to me! His boyfriend, the love of his fucking life! Or so I had stupidly thought. Yet a part of me had still broken, never to be healed as I had held him bawling when I had discovered his scars. I didn’t love him. I hated him. Hated him for what he has done to me.

Suddenly a foot came out of nowhere and I went flying, head over heels. I heard Mikey gasp as I hit the floor in a heap. Blind pain came from my head and my eye sight was blinded as blood gushed from a cut I couldn’t see. I heard the faint sound of laughing. Some idiot popular kid, no doubt. Normally I would have broken his fucking neck but I didn’t have the energy. Just lying there, my exterior crumpled and broken, a mirror image of how I felt on the inside.

“Frank! Frank, are you okay?!” A voice which could only have been Mikey’s spoke into my ear, trembling as he waited for a reply.

“Ummm…” I tried to speak but it hurt to move my head. Mikey’s face dropped as he tried unsuccessfully to raise me to my feet. I was too heavy for him. I closed my eyes so as to keep the stinging heat which gushed from my head away from my eyes. Suddenly, two small arms gripped me from underneath and carried me away. I tried to squint to see who was carrying me but decided to keep my eyes closed so as to avoid any more pain. I felt the person uneasily use a foot to open the door before us and felt myself being put down on a surface of some kind. Footsteps stepped away from me and I held my arms out blindly.

“Please, don’t leave me,” the desperate voice sounded nothing like my own but it made the person freeze and turn towards me. I felt their hands find mine and I gripped them tightly, not wanting to let go. Their body was inches away from mine as whoever-it-was’s hands moved away from my own hands to examine the cut on my head.

“Ouch!” I scowled to myself, annoyed for being such a child. At least I hadn’t cried.

The person stopped what they were doing and stood silently beside me. I hadn’t realised it before but their other hand had been circling lightly on my back soothing me and protecting in a small way from the pain I was feeling. I felt lonely without it there.

“Don’t stop,” I spoke out into the silence, “Please!”

I wondered for a second if the person here was Gerard. Suddenly a pair of lips found my own and traced their outline with their tongue causing me to shiver. They stepped away from me again but now I was sure that they wouldn’t leave me. I heard the sound of the paper towel dispenser and then running water, realising we were in the boys toilets. A firm hand guided my own to the wet paper towel and held it there for me, stemming the flow of blood. Another towel dried the blood which had soaked my face, enough so that I could open my eyes.

“Hi,” I smiled at the figure standing beside me.

“Hi.”


	9. No matter what

### Gerard’s POV

“Don’t you ever do that again, okay?!”

The shrill voice was startling in pitch and volume and could have made any brave man go running so God knew what it was doing to my baby brother Mikey. I sat on the sofa, feet up, channel hopping after a long day at school. It had been about a week since Ray had introduced me to his friends, well my friends now, I could say. I ate with them at lunch, hung out with them at break and had found out that at least one of them was in every single lesson I had! Which was great, I always had someone to talk to. I liked having friends, loved it even! Ray was great and me and Bob were now great friends, he could always make me laugh, even when I was thinking about Frank, he could pull me through a depressing mood. Alisha still worried me at little, she sometimes had a mad look in her eye and when she looked like that, you knew to keep back a few steps. Nevertheless, I loved them all and school had become a lot easier. My Mum was delighted I had friends and had got me to invite Ray round a few days ago after school. She fussed for a bit but I didn’t mind. I and Mum would never be as close as her and Mikey were. The relationship had been heavily dented after me telling her I was gay, she didn’t react very well. But I could see she was trying and that’s what mattered.

Anyway, to start with I and Ray just sort of sat in my room a little awkward but then he suggested we play on Mikey’s X-box; that was fun. He beat me at every game but it didn’t matter. I then asked him shyly if he would play me something on guitar (he had had a lesson that day at school so had his case with him). He smiled and instantly grabbed it, playing me song after song. I felt like a groupie at a concert watching my favourite singer as he threw himself around my room, throwing himself to the floor as he released riff after riff of pure soul. His hands worked up and down the neck, his fingers only pausing on the strings for a second as he played note after note, breaking my heart and fusing it back together at every dip and sway in the music. When he had finished, my eyes had streamed tears at the beauty that had just filled my room. I smiled at the memory of Ray’s eyes meeting mine. He instantly understood that I wasn’t really upset and his face mirrored with the same wondrous expression as my face probably did; almost seeming astonished that he could play something like that. I wasn’t surprised in the slightest.

“Mum, just fuck off, okay? FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!” The shout made me jump up and run into the hallway, where I just caught Mikey’s back disappearing up the stairs. Mum just stood shocked with an open mouth, staring after him.

“What did you say to him?”

She must have said something pretty bad to get that kind of response off Mikey. He was always so calm and composed, always seeming to know exactly what to do or say in any situation. As Mum seemed incapable of speech, I went after Mikey instead, pausing at his door to listen inside. Heart wrenching sobs came from within and I opened the door, shutting it quickly, not wanting Mum to hear. Mikey didn’t even glance up as I made my way over to his bed. He was curled up in the foetal position, arms protecting him, hugging his knees to his chest.

“Mikes,” my whisper made him flinch and hug himself harder. I flopped down on the bed beside him and stroked his hair gently, waiting for him to come to me. He continued sobbing before eventually his cries turned to hiccups. He lifted his head up and placed it onto my lap, allowing me to pull him up and hold him against me. I stroked his tear drenched face and whispered into his ear.

“Whatever is it, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I just want you to know I love you, okay?”

He nodded into my shoulder.

“I lo-ov-ov-e you t-oo,” he spoke quietly, out of breath from crying. We stayed in that position for a bit, me nuzzling into his hair and rubbing his back. Mikey had been a bit distant this week. While I had been with his friends, he had kept away. When I had asked him why he said he had been with Frank. I felt a horrible surge of jealousy but only smiled at Mikey, glad at least that someone was paying Frank some attention. We didn’t talk about Frank at lunch because I guessed they thought it would upset me; they were probably right. But I had walked in once on Ray and Alisha, speaking quietly. Alisha had said she had tried calling by his house after school but had got no reply. He was ignoring them around school, probably because they were hanging out with me. That hurt a lot. Ray had started talking about Mikey when I had gone into the den and the conversation had instantly stopped. It made me feel horrible that they didn’t feel like they could talk about Frank in front of me. I hadn’t thought about him a lot recently, my cutting had even stopped for a bit. With friends, I felt almost complete. Almost … Only Frank could make me whole again. And he had made himself quite clear about how he felt about me.

Mikey shifted against my chest, reminding me that once again I needed to stop putting my problems first and start paying him some attention. I pulled away from him, releasing a sigh from him as our bodies separated. He flopped down onto his bed, making his fringe fall into his eyes but not seeming to care. I rested my hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently.

“Why was Mum mad at you?”

Mikey just shrugged.

“Something about me coming in late…”

I glanced out the window and was surprised to see it was now dark outside. Now that I thought about it, Mikey had been out a lot this past week, something he wouldn’t normally do. He would sometime go to Ray’s or Bob’s but would always let Mum know where he was.

“Can you tell me why you were upset?” I didn’t want to ask but I knew that as his big brother, I should at least let him know I was up to talking about it if he wanted. He shrugged again before sitting up, leaning against his wall. He kept his eyes on a spot on the bed as he spoke.

“I’m just a little confused I guess…”

I frowned.

“What about?”

He seemed to consider the question, maybe wondering how to answer me. Something in my head clicked. Out late and not hanging out with his friends, supposedly seeing Frank.

“Are you seeing someone?”

He flinched at the question and I was about to apologize for asking when his cheeks started to turn a dark shade of crimson.

“You are, aren’t you?”

I grinned as his fringe fell more fully into his face, hiding his eyes from me. He folded his arms over his chest.

“Hey, sorry for asking. You know it’s okay if you are!”

Mikey just shrugged again, the action was starting to annoy me. I wanted to ask more questions but decided against it. I simply raised his chin with my hand, stroking his cheek as my eyes found his.

“Remember, I love you no matter what,” the words had never been more true and I let them the meaning of the words shine through my eyes. He smiled at me, his eyes showing love and trust, which made me glow with pride.

“I love you too, Gee!”

He unfolded his arms and came in for a hug, squeezing me tightly, like he never wanted to let me go.

“Who it is, do I know him?”

He shook his head. I didn’t know if he was lying or not because I couldn’t see his face.

“Is that who you’ve been seeing at school? You know at lunch and stuff?”

I felt him tense up a bit but he nodded slightly.

“Gee, there’s something I want to tell you. And you’re not gonna like it, okay?”

I thought of all the worst possible scenarios of things he could tell me, my mind racing. I nodded and he let me go, his face looking at me fully for one of the first times that night.

“I…” A ringtone sounded from his pocket and he snatched his mobile up quickly, seeming thankful of a distraction. His fingers slid across the keyboard and his face lit up in a smile.

“Is that him?”

I couldn’t help myself breaking into a smile, remembering Mikey’s happy face as he received the message.

“What….” Mikey frowned, “No, Its Ray. He wants to know, if we want to come over tomorrow night to sleep over! What do you think?”

I grinned at him. My first proper sleepover!

“Of course, sounds great!”

Mikey’s fingers began tapping away again.

“What did you want to tell me, Mikes?”

He bit his lip and blushed again.

“Do you mind if I tell you some other time? I have a lot of homework to do!”

I smiled at him.

“Sure! If you’re sure it can wait?”

He nodded, waving me away as he crossed his room to his school bag.

“You can talk to me whenever you want, alright?”

He nodded, hardly hearing.

“Oh and Mikey…”

He turned back to face me as I called from his door.

“I hope he makes you as happy as Frank made me!”

I turned away before he could react, shutting the door behind me.


	10. My little brother's in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't updated in a while and I'm sorry but here's the next chapter.  
> I know I'm keeping you in suspense, enjoy:)

### Gerard’s POV

The atmosphere was tense as all eyes fell on the plastic bottle spinning silently in the middle of our four figures. It started to slow and the end turned to point towards Bob. Ray squealed and his shaky hand reached out to spin in once more. This time it landed on him. His eyes widened and he bit his lip, his eyes not leaving his feet. Bob just coughed slightly, his face turning red.

“Why are we even playing this game?”

Ray asked the question, looking at me. I held my arms up defensively.

“Your idea! And I thought me and Mikey were the gay ones!”

“Well this was a stupid idea,” Ray spoke out, making Bob flinch with the fierceness in his voice.

“You know the rules, Ray! Kiss or take a shot,” Mikey gestured towards Bob’s stolen vodka bottle.

We had only just started the game at Ray’s sleepover, all of cramped into his smallish room. The game was a bit dull and I had an aching in the back of my mind that at some point me and Mikey would have to kiss. Mikey knew it too because we hadn’t made eye contact in a while.

“Well, I’m not kissing THAT!”

Ray’s attempt at a joke backfired when Bob didn’t respond, his eyes sad. Me and Mikey just sort of watched as Ray moved closer to Bob.

“Bob? Look I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it!”

Bob just shrugged, reaching out for the vodka bottle.

Ray’s hand stopped his from reaching the bottle’s neck. Their eyes met for a second and they pulled closer to each other. Bob’s hand slid into Ray’s hair, grabbing a handful as their lips met. Ray’s hand found Bob’s back and they pulled together, closer until Bob was on Ray’s lap. As they started to use tongue, me and Mikey’s eyes widened and I turned to him, my mouth open. Mikey just grinned smugly and formed ‘Knew it’ with his mouth. I gestured towards the door, asking if he thought we should go. Mikey just shrugged and cleared his throat loudly. Ray and Bob’s mouths pulled away from each other sharply, seeming to have forgotten we were there.

“Think that’s your go over now,” Mikey looked at both of them as they hung their heads slightly, Bob still sitting on Ray.

“If we’re still playing then you need to get off him, Bob,” I spoke it lightly but ended up with a big smile on my face as Bob shuffled off him. They kept their hands entwined though as Ray once again spun the bottle. It landed on me and my stomach turned. Was God really that cruel? Apparently he was as the bottle was spun once again and stopped on Mikey.

“Incest! Nice!”

We all turned towards Bob who seemed to shrink down in size with mine and Mikey’s glaring eyes on him. I expected Mikey to go straight for the vodka but knowing how much he hated it, I wasn’t too surprised when he got on his hands and knees and crawled over next to me. Our eyes met for a second, his eyes slightly wild behind his glasses as his lips found mine. They rested on each other’s for a second and my hand was about to be placed in his hair when he pulled quickly away. God for a second there, I forgot he was my brother. I calmed myself and turned towards Ray and Bob.

“Happy?”

“Yeah, I guess. You didn’t probably kiss but I guess that would be creepy to watch!”

Bob muttered it, his face screwed up to express the creepiness of the situation. Mikey spoke up, his face grinning.

“Anymore creepy than what you and Ray just did?!”

“What?” Bob’s voice was furious as he turned on Mikey. My little brothers eyes grew twice their size as if in that moment he realised how badly Bob could beat him up.

“Guys! Down a few notches!”

Ray chilled the situation with his voice, visibly squeezing Bob’s hand. Bob turned to him, his harsh expression melting. For a second, I thought they would continue their game of tonsil tennis.

“I know! Let’s play truth or dare!”

Mikey’s face lit up at my suggestion. Everyone agreed and we used the bottle to play. First it landed on Ray. Bob looked about to speak when Mikey got in first.

“When did you first realise you liked Bob?”

The question seemed to throw everyone off for a second.

“What do you mean? He doesn’t like…” Bob started.

“From the moment I met him,” Ray looked embarrassed but Bob just kissed his lips lightly anyway, bringing a shade of red to both their cheeks. The bottle was spun again and this time it landed on me.

“Did you and Frank really do IT?” Ray spoke up, probably asking the question that he and Bob had been thinking. Mikey already knew.

“Do what?” I played dumb, my voice innocent.

Ray struggled to figure out how to put it.

“Did you have sex in the arse?” Bob’s voice spoke it so harshly like it was a bad thing. Yet with his hand still gripping Ray’s for dear life, I’m not sure if he could judge me for being gay!

“Yeah,” Once again causing an awkwardness in the circle.

“Like who went on top…” Bob’s voice faded, his eyes widening as he realised what he just said.

“Gross, my brother,” Mikey spoke up, his face a little screwed up, “One question each time!”

The bottle was spun again and I prayed it wouldn’t land on me again. This time Mikey was the bottle’s victim. Everyone was quiet before my voice filled the silence.

“Who’s the guy?”

“There’s a guy?” Bob asked his mouth opened to receive the gossip.

I was surprised to see that Ray’s face didn’t change. Mikey seemed to give him somewhat of a warning look before his eyes found a spot on the wall behind my head, not answering my question.

“TRUTH or dare,” Ray spoke up, stressing the ‘truth’ part.

Mikey’s eyes narrowed and he looked at Ray harshly, his eyes scrutinising his face.

“NOT now!” The loud voice made me jump a little.

“Well, if you don’t tell me, then Ray has too!” I looked at my little brother, why didn’t he want to tell me?

Ray’s eyebrows lifted as he looked at Mikey, waiting.

“Brian. He’s in my form at school,” Mikey’s face was still and his voice flat as he told us. Ray’s eyebrows remained up as he reached out to spin the bottle again.

“Yeah, coz there’s really a Brian, right?!”

The look on both faces told me Mikey was lying. I was about to continue my scrutiny of the pair when Bob spoke up, interrupting me.

“No, Gerard. There is! I know Brian,” Bob spoke up, his hand reaching out for the bottle of vodka and taking a sip before passing it to Ray, who took it, his hand lingering on Bob’s a little too long.

“You do?” I spoke surprised.

Bob just nodded.

“Seriously though dude! You could do better!”

It didn’t look like Mikey would respond until his quiet voice caught in his throat a little making me smile.

“I love him.”

Even Ray looked taken aback as Mikey looked up, catching Ray’s eyes.

“I really do, Ray!”

I crawled over to Mikey and gave him a bear hug. I whispered ‘I love you’ in his ear, kissing the top of his head. As I pulled away, I caught a look of disgust on Ray’s face but he smoothed his face quickly when I raised my eyebrows questioningly. We carried on playing for a bit, our questions now silly instead of serious. We then put ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ on, me and Mikey falling asleep in front of it. I only woke up once to see the figure of Ray, slip into Bob’s sleeping bag around one o’clock and giggled quietly to myself, before rolling over and falling asleep.


	11. What would a good brother do?

### Gerard’s POV

“Ew, you guys kissed!”

Alicia’s laugh echoed around the den, she was literally rolling on the floor laughing. Bob and Ray were giggling, while I looked on, embarrassed and red faced.

“Why did you have to tell her?” Mikey asked exasperated, staring at the two other guys, anger behind his eyes. Bob looked at the floor but Ray kept eye contact staring Mikey down. I was surprised when Mikey slumped back down to the ground from where he had risen and blushed under Ray’s gaze.

“Oh my god, Mikes!” Alicia spoke suddenly, her laughter stopped by her serious face.

“That wasn’t your first kiss with a guy was it?”

I stiffened. I hadn’t even thought about that! That’s gross, if I was his first! And how horrible for Mikes! Mikey just carried on looking at the floor. I was visibly shaken.

“Jesus, Mikey. I’m so sor…” I started before Ray raised a hand to me. He walked over to Mikey and crouched in front of him. Mikey raised his head, tears in his eyes.

“Now is a good a time as any, huh?” Ray whispered just loud enough for me to hear from my seat next to Mikey.

“I can’t,” the whisper made my heart bleed for my brother. What had been going on with Ray and Mikey? I realised everyone was staring at the two of them as they whispered to each other and I tried to hide Mikey behind me as I turned towards them both. Neither reacted to me nudging closer.

“You have to!” The fierce voice made Mikey flinch and I wanted to hit Ray away, hug Mikey close to me. But I didn’t know what was wrong with my own brother, I couldn’t help him. He hadn’t come to me therefore I couldn’t help. It wasn’t my fault. But as his brother his problems were mine. If he didn’t know that then maybe I had to show him I cared. I should escort him out of here, find a quiet place and let him cry the tears that he was trying to blink away.

“I can’t do it to Gee.”

I froze. My head was facing the wall and I didn’t attempt to move it to see if they were looking at me. Bob and Alicia were attempting to have a conversation but the room was still quiet enough for me to have heard them. Maybe Mikey didn’t care if I heard. Maybe Ray didn’t either. Why should I care? Because he was trying to protect me? And I was supposed to protect him. He was my little brother, I didn’t need protecting, not anymore. Not now I had friends and as long as I had them thinking about Frank didn’t hurt as much. Sure it did in the morning and before I fell asleep. Whenever I flipped through my sketch book and saw an old picture of him smiling back at me. When I saw him in lesson, silent and alone still not talking to anyone. Except Mikey. And I realised that I had never really thanked Mikey for that. For trying to protect Frank, the way I did, as his boyfriend. The way I had.

A ringtone silenced the den again. Bob and Alicia stopped pretending to have their conversation and turned to face Mikey who reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He turned to Ray, muttering something to him before turning to leave.

“Mikey, what’s up?” My voice didn’t even make him pause and he continued walking, leaving me with an image of his back. I looked to Ray, my eyes begging. The tears had just started to fall from Mikey’s eyes as he had left and I could feel my eyes welling up as I realised there really was nothing I could do to help him. Not that he wanted my help. Mikey and Frank. The two people I had failed in life so far. And God knew they wouldn’t be the last. Ray just shrugged at me before sitting back down next to Bob, their hands clasping.

“You have to tell me what’s wrong with him, Ray?”

I didn’t care that Bob and Alicia were right there. I had to know, I had to protect Mikey from whatever was hurting him.

‘I can’t do it to Gee.’ What had he meant by that? Was it something to do with him being gay? With his new boyfriend? Was he being bullied? I just didn’t know.

“He has to tell you himself, Gerard. I’m sorry.”

Ray raised his hand to signify that the conversation was over. I sighed and hugged myself into a ball wondering what to do. What would a good brother do? Go after him? Or would that annoy him? I could text him. But would that just frustrate him? He hadn’t told me what the problem was because he didn’t want to hurt me so maybe I should just stop sticking my nose in and ask him about it at home later? Yes, that’s what I would do. But for now I was with my friends and I would focus on them instead.

“So …” Alicia began unsure what to say to fill the silence that had fallen.

A few minutes passed before she gestured to Ray and Bob’s clasped hands.

“You’re together now right?”

I smiled at her stupidity. Or maybe she had just been trying to start a conversation. Either way the quiet was ruined.

“Well, we…” Bob spoke.

“We hadn’t really…” Ray began.

“Talked about it…” Bob carried on.

“Yet?” Ray finished, letting the question hover.

“Well talk about it now! We need to fill the awkward silence Mikey left!”

“Nice, Alicia,” I muttered, rolling my eyes. So much for trying to be discreet or giving Mikey his privacy!

“What?”

Bob tutted at her and Ray rolled his eyes copying me.

“What!?” Alicia turned to them.

Her voice had started to screech and the voice reminded me of a strangled cat. I started to giggle lightly and as the other guys joined in, my laughter expanded and my sides hurt as I lay on my back, tears actually falling from my eyes. It wasn’t even that funny! I just needed a good laugh! Suddenly I had the wind knocked out of me by a weight pressed down on my torso as Alicia jumped on me. She grabbed my arms, pinning me down and pushed her nose against mine.

“Don’t you dare laugh at me, Gerard Way!”

Her voice was fierce and the atmosphere in the room tensed. Yet despite the pain, I had the giggles and continued to laugh. Bob and Ray tittered in the corner. Alicia tried to keep a straight face but started laughing too. Her hands released mine and she started tickling me, making me screech in protest. I tried to run away but she followed me. We nearly tripped over the two now entwined boys in the corner and I started for the doorway, anything to get away from her. I didn’t even notice a figure enter the room and ran head first into them. Somehow they regained their balance quickly, while I fell on my head, making the room dizzy. I squinted focusing my eyes on the doorway. Everyone had now stopped laughing, even Alicia, whose eyes had sunk to her shoes. As my world stopped spinning, I realised it was Mikey.

“Hey, little brot...” My voice stopped in my throat as Frank stepped out from behind him.


	12. My boyfriend

### Gerard’s POV

“Come over here and sit down guys,” Ray’s voice was the first to speak. Mikey nodded and guided Frank with his hand towards a pile of cushions to one side, opposite me. Frank looked straight ahead, ignoring all of us, just glancing back at Mikey to check he was following. Mikey smiled at Frank’s slightly anxious gaze and pushed him down into the cushions before sitting himself beside him. Frank just sat looking down at his hands. He looked perfect as ever, even with the frown on his face now as the silence grew again. Only his eyes were red and rimmed with sadness, he had been crying. Maybe that’s where Mikey had gone? Made sense, I guess. I wanted to thank Mikey again for everything he had done for Frank. I should have done those things. Held him while he cried, stroked his cheek bones and raised his head to look into his eyes. Kissed the salty tears away until he laughed breaking the spell of sadness over him. Looking at him now, you would have never have guessed he could smile. That he had smiled, I had made him laugh. Made him cry with joy when I had made him a mix tape of all our favourite songs. He had laughed so hard when he heard my nervous voice on the first track. He had kissed me tenderly as I declared the first song to him, it had been a jokey one ‘My Heart will go on’ and we had danced to it. Him standing on my feet and us twirling, our lips locked. I had never been so happy. But this wasn’t the same boy. Not anymore.

“Mikey, why don’t you start?” Ray asked calmly, his eyes looking at the pair who had just sat down.

Mikey nodded, giving a weak smile and opening his mouth before closing it again, frowning. Frank was tense, his shoulders strained. Bob and Alicia were as confused as I was but they at least knew to keep their mouths shut and their thoughts to themselves. Suddenly Frank’s hand reached out and held Mikey’s, stroking his open palm with his fingers.

“You can say it, Mikey,” he spoke into Mikey’s ear, “I believe in you!”

For a moment, my heart stopped in my chest. I watched as Frank used his other hand to stroke Mikey’s back making him shiver slightly. The way I used to react to his touch, the way he had stroked me. Mikey opened his mouth again, this time speaking.

“Frank and I…” Mikey paused again, looking pleadingly at Frank for help.

Frank smiled at him, a tender loving smile.

“We’re together!”

There was silence before everyone turned to me. Even Frank. He looked into my eyes and I saw the blank, uncaring look which stared back. He had never loved me. I couldn’t let him see me cry. I staggered to my feet and tried to calmly exit the room. My tears had already began to fall, everyone could see my misery. A sob came out of my throat, causing Mikey to create a similar sound from somewhere to my left. I felt a hand try to grab me and turned to see my baby brother in tears next to me.

“Gerard, I love you!” You can only just hear the words over his sobs. I waited for the pang of guilt, the feeling of my heart tearing in two, I felt nothing. I shoved his hand away from me. He tried to grab me again. This time I shoved his chest, causing him to fall over, breaking his glasses on the floor. Frank was instantly on his feet, running to Mikey.

“Gerard…” Ray’s voice was shocked but before he could say anything, I had walked over to Frank who was on his knees by my brother. I pulled him up by his shirt. He didn’t respond, his feet only just touching the floor. The dead looking expression faced me again causing me to shake. I hated him so much. If I had had a weapon, I would have been the last sight Frank had seen.

“Go on Gerard. Hit me again, why don’t you?!”

His words sparked more tears from my eyes. I dropped him next to my brother.

“Fuck you, Frank!” I screamed; my voice full of hatred.

My tears clouded my eyes. Somehow I found the exit.


End file.
